If we were having coffee…
I’d tell you that Life is the utmost asshole. Of course, I don’t have a monopoly on this sentiment and you’d likely nod in understanding. Only, you’d do so without understanding the specific context in which I cry out against Life with shaking fists.
I feel beat. I’ve felt beat for some time. I’ve finally been beaten.
I’m ready to rise out of the ashes like Ben Affleck’s bad back tattoo. Good God, man!
A younger self would’ve lamented, Life’s not fair!, but I’m too old for that shit. No life-threatening injustice was done to me. Just an annoying setback dressed up as a mixed blessing. Amidst the myriad feelings, thoughts, spasms, and every thing that could possibly fit in my head, I stand still. Okay, I say to myself. This is how we’re going to play.
You might ask what I’m playing, and I’d respond the game of Life. The rat race that is our modern reality of the worst kind. A reality in which a select few truly live the lives they want while the rest of us scratch the surface of performing the lives we want, if not worse. It’s a rat race of survival that leads to sadness and depression at the state of our mediocre lives. How have we been so content for so long? What happened to Ambition?
Ambition didn’t go anywhere. It’s been in front of us all along. We were just comfortable with keeping it at our fingertips.
The first few days were really hard. I was angry at Life in a general sense. Shock. Even awe coursed through me at the ballsyness of the whole affair. Once I got all that out of my system I began to reflect. It’s funny how Reflection visits us in bad times. It floats and guides us as though it were some comfort angel. An annoying angel but useful nonetheless.
So I reflected and talked out loud. I spoke to my folks who live on the other coast. I emailed a former supervisor-now life mentor (whether she realizes it or not). I texted some friends near and far. I spoke to M until his ears bled. They all provided comfort and it was at that point that I truly realized I wasn’t alone. I have a network of caring friends and while they can’t fix the problem at hand, that they responded and offered emotional support was enough to help me walk through the spheres of emotional hell.
I still don’t know what’s next but I’m feeling better about Life than I’ve ever felt before. It’s a clean slate. My Act II.